* BREAKING NEWS * BREAKING NEWS *

When my beautiful Tara was first diagnosed with epilepsy, I had to make the (instant) decision of whether to medicate her, thereby reducing the risk of seizures killing her and putting her on medication for the rest of her life, thereby increasing her risk of liver/kidney failure. Not having children, this was the first time I had been faced with such a decision and, on top of all that, it was for an animal who would never be able to tell me how the medication made her feel and if I had made the right choice in her eyes.

Just over three years later, my other beautiful girl Tache, also starting having seizures and I was again faced with the same choice.

When an animal has a seizure it's terrifying - as when a human has one (I've only witnessed one human seizure and it was truly frightening). When that animal's yours and you know how you can help it becomes a no-brainer; you (well, certainly me) make the decision that allows you to spend the most time with your pet.

I arrived at the Clinic this morning, all cheerful with the mildest suntan I've ever had the good fortune to sport. Just enough time walking around French markets, covered in SPF 20 or in the shade has given me a healthy glow; inside and out so I was gutted to learn my neutrophils are so low (0.8) I couldn't have chemotherapy.

Occasionally someone will say 'how can you enjoy chemo' or 'do you really look forward to chemo' and the answer is 'Yes!' even though it makes my hair fall out and my fingernails drop off (I know, urgh!). I've got advanced cancer, so anything that stops it I'll enjoy, or look forward to. It's beyond tolerating, it's a positive 'get it into me' feeling so imagine how I felt today, when my oncologist, Dr G told me (with a smile) that at the end of this 'regime' of chemotherapy, I will just be on Herceptin and the bone strengthening infusion.

The Absent Bloke (still en france and therefore, still Absent) thinks this is good. The chemotherapy has done what it's meant to and now I can look forward to having Herceptin and Zolydronic aceeeeed - no side effects, just what is says on the packet (Herceptin stops the growth of cancer, Zolystuff strengthens my bones). I, on the other hand, feel like I'm about to be pushed off a cliff without a safety harness.

I spoke to the Oncology Sister about it and she explained that it can be a trade off. The risk of infection is high (I keep getting infections which is why my neutrophils are so low as what little immune system I have keeps fighting off colds and sore throats). When I'm no longer on chemotherapy, my immune system will return and I'll be able to fight minor infections. Like with Tache and Tara, it's about quality of life, not quantity.

The One You've Been Waiting For!

Apologies for the lack of photo but those of you on facebook will have seen this morning's pic of me awaiting my chemotherapy. I was waiting for the results of my blood tests and the news that I could go ahead and have my (almost) weekly infusion.

The reason for blogging at almost quarter past midnight is to share some good news with you (at last). When I was first re-diagnosed in October/November my 'cancer marker' was somewhere in the region of 260/270. This is more than eight times what it should be (I've not done the maths, I could be way out). Apparently a normal reading is around 30. That's what you (as in someone without a cancer diagnosis) would have in your system. Happily, this figure has been reducing and I have been doing my usual head in the sand ignoring the facts thing, until today.

Apparently, my cancer marker has dropped to 40!! That must explain why I'm feeling better, am more mobile and able to cope with more.

I'm sorry this blog has been so utterly miserable for the last few months. I hope this news has cheered you up! It's certainly done that for me. I've yet to speak to Dr R my oncologist about this and get his take, but in layman's terms that looks pretty good to me!

Race for Life 2010

This Race for Life malarky whizzes around doesn't it? This time we're doing it on Sunday 6 June at 11am at the University of Bath.

Absolutely not a chance of me running as I can't run any longer, don't ask me why not as I can't explain. I can walk and almost (almost) dance but somehow, running's out. The fields up at the uni aren't very even, so I may have to take my stick, I hope not.

If you've any spare cash (£2 minimum donation) please feel free to sponsor me! If I make it to £500 this year, between us we'll have donated over £2000 to Cancer Research UK which makes a huge difference, so thank you :-)

If you're also doing the 11am race on 6 June please let me know and we can at least start off together - even if I do finish a good hour or two later than you!

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/caromellymac/

Living with Cancer

Hmmm, in the absence of the Absent Bloke (he's only down the road, not like he's left the postcode even, but still) just asked my nurse if this chemo will send me into remission and apparently it won't.

The Oxford English Minidictionary explains remission as:

1 The cancellation of a debt or charge

2 The reduction of a prison sentence for good behaviour

3 A temporary period during which an illness becomes less severe

Somewhat disappointing that this period can't be reduced by good behaviour but on the upside, I can behave badly without it having an impact :-)

Last week saw Caromellymac galavanting around Longleat with a group of similarly afflicted souls and a greater number of nurses and volunteers. Around 25 of us took long walks, went on picnics, went swimming, relaxing and met some birds of prey up close and personal. Photos to follow... It was a wonderful week and again, a huge thank you to all at Dot House who made it happen.

Next chemo is this Wednesday which is followed by an echocardiogram. I get all the fun jobs!

Remember Me?

It's been a long time between blogs. I'm not good at regular blogging and having just sat down to fill y'all in on the latest I looked at some other blogs and really, am wondering what I can say that's different/more enlightening/entertaining than anyone else.

You'll be pleased to know I'm not quite so dependant on steroids and so look much less like Alvin the Chipmunk than I did, but still not quite like Caromellymac either.

I'm now two sessions into a new regime of chemotherapy called Vinorelbine which is soooo much less toxic than my previous chemo which is great. It means I don't sleep all the time and I'm getting some exercise and beginning to live my life again, woo hoo. Having said that, compared to most people, I'm still very tired. My week still consists of counselling sessions (Tuesdays/emotional and Fridays/medical) chemo on Wednesdays and Dot House on Thursdays. Add to that that I sleep most of the weekend that only gives me Mondays to do stuff, which inevitably doesn't seem to happen as I'm asleep when I should be planning what I want to do...

If every picture tells a story, I hate to think what this one says... Having a blog is such a good excuse to rant on about yourself, publish photos, be generally me, me, me all the time, so, here's another picture of... me! Totally irrelevant to my treatment, but so much more fun than the previous chipmunk stylee photos.

We've just been to a murder mystery party and the currently present Absent Bloke was the double-barrelled surnamed solicitor reading the will and I, as you might guess was the housekeeper/ cook/ not the murderer. I've always wanted to do a murder mystery and tonight was especially sweet as, by pure fluke, I guessed 'whodunnit'! Dunno how, just a feeling as much as anything - but very happy to win a bottle of vino which I'll save for when I can drink again, yay!

Meanwhile, last Wednesday saw my appointment with the good doctor, Dr G my oncologist. There's great news here - he's putting me back on chemotherapy! Yay! I'll be on a regime called Vinorelbine which sounds like a kind of wine to me (say it out loud). I start next Wednesday, have two weeks of treatments and then a week off. In this time I'll also have the Herceptin and bone strengthening infusion. Assuming I respond well (yes, let's!) I'll be available for lunch/coffee that third Wednesday, fab!

Meanwhile, in case you're wondering if I keep a maid's outfit in my 'dressing up box' let me put your mind at rest. I was at Dotty House a couple of weeks ago and the conversation went from Scrabble to Cluedo (everyone's favourite). I mentioned the murder/mystery party and from nowhere, this outfit appeared, so not only did I get to borrow the perfect costume, I got it for free. Love a bargain.

Dotty House doesn't have invisible strings and whilst I enjoy their services be it the nurses, physios, doctors, costume hire or craft things, someone has to pay. I'm incredibly lucky to have friends who do things to support Dorothy House and last weekend a friend ran three marathons. Let me write that again. He ran 3 marathons in 3 days. A marathon is 26 miles. Only the one he ran on the Saturday was 28 miles. In other words, over 3 days he ran at least 80 miles. All the sponsorship he gets he will donate to Dorothy House so that people like me get to enjoy/seek refuge in the services that Dotty House provides. I know we all suffer from compassion fatigue, but if you've got a spare couple of quid, please donate it to Sim - I can't imagine running a mile, let alone 80 of them and thank him from the bottom of my heart. Here's a link to his blog which tells his story. If nothing else, he's a blokey bloke and he wore a pink tee shirt at the finish line. That's worth £2 of anybody's isn't it?

Later this year the Rondo Theatre Company (RTC) who I'm involved with will be producing 'The Merry Wives of Windsor' at the Botanical Gardens in Bath and again, profit will be donated to Dotty House.

As I write this, I realise that I need to sort through some of my old clothes. I'll donate them to one of Dot's charity shops in Bath so if you fancy something in the style of Karen Millen/ Joseph/ Whistles from the last 3 years in a size 12 head to one of Dots shops soon!

This is me at the beginning of Wednesday. The cytotoxic box is covering my stomach. I'm not sure why else I'm holding it. I don't normally.

A couple of hours later I was spark out asleep on the bed whilst the Herceptin and Zoledronic Acid (bone strengthener) were being pumped into me.

Do you like my chipmunk features? The steroids do that, I'm coming off them next week so that'll be nice for the good people of Bath. I think I look a bit scary.

To recap on the treatment side of things 'cos I've been a bit remiss on that score - after starting the chemo in weekly bite size chunks before Christmas, by February the good doctor decided to give me normal size, three weekly chemos and then discovered I'd developed a very rare, allergic reaction to the chemo. This effectively meant I was being deliberately poisoned (chemotherapy) and accidentally poisoned (allergic reaction). Once again, nobody's fault, this isn't an exact science but bloodyhell I felt like shit. I kept saying 'This is so much worse than previously' and various people rationalised it for me; 'You've forgotten how bad it was.' No I haven't! I was functioning previously, now I'm asleep, housebound (I know, I'm not meant to use that word), useless (and incidentally, really pissed off most of the time).

I've not had any chemo for around five weeks which on the one hand is a bit scary but it's giving my body the chance to recover, for which I am truly grateful as being constantly poisoned is such a drag.

Next Wednesday we meet up with my Oncologist again and he will suggest a new treatment regime, which of course we hope will include chemotherapy. He's looking at less 'toxic' forms of chemo for me. I suspect 'less toxic' must in some way mean 'less effective'. I could be wrong but that would seem logical to me.

When I had my first diagnosis the treatment regime was pretty straight forward and as you know, I responded well to it. This is all a bit different but thanks for sitting it out with me. Knowing you're at my side willing me through makes a huge difference. I just wish I could put a post up saying 'Panic over, normal service resumed' but I'm not there. When I am, I will I promise.

Meanwhile, have lovely weekends. Those of you in Bath, beware aging, raging cyclists and balding chipmunks and everybody be safe and happy :-)